And All God's People Said....

Well, today is a new day.

I knew a good night's rest and a little time talking to my God would quiet my mind and heart. I have to admit that I was a little mad at God yesterday for not submitting to my plan. But, when I sat back and discussed everything with Him and paid attention to my thoughts, I realized just how wrong I was being. Who am I to think my plan is more important than God's?!!!!

Okay, so I actually knew I was wrong yesterday but I was in a "moment" and decided to pitch a fit like a little child. (Whew, I'm so glad God understands)!

Anyways, God reminded me last night that He knows the end result and He knows what is best. As with anything else, it would not be good for Paul to be in a job if it is not where God wants him to be.

And God HAS been providing for us through it all. We may be having to "tighten our belts" a little right now BUT all of our bills are paid and there is food on our table. I think that is saying a lot considering Paul hasn't worked a full time job in over a year and the economy is in such bad shape. I know there are many people who wish they could say food is on the table and the bills are paid! And I know most families would have already crashed if the main bread winner had gone a year without working!!! I can honestly see how God is providing for us!

One thing today that kind of "slapped some sense into me" was a phone call I received this morning. My friend Nicole called and asked if I could watch two of her children because she needed to take her two year old to the hospital because he had a fever and was feeling really awful. That may not seem like such an eye opener to some of you.....until you hear that my friend's two year old is fighting leukemia. Of course, I gladly watched her children so she could take care of her little guy.

I realized that I was complaining because we don't have much income while my friend is struggling to keep her child alive. I knew in an instant that I would take the financial struggle over the chance of losing one of my children any day of the week.

Then, this afternoon, I received an email from another friend whose teenage daughter is in bad shape and was transferred from juvenile hall to a mental facility in the hopes that they can help her. I realized yet again how fortunate I am.

Sometimes in my "moments" I forget how blessed I am.....how much God has given me. It is always a huge awakening when I stop for a minute and allow God to point out to me how much worse things could be.

So tonight I say, "Thank you God for all that you have given me and continue to give me. Thank you for my healthy children and for your love and grace. I humbly ask your forgiveness for my anger yesterday and I continue to pray for your will to be done!"

And all God's people said, "Amen!"

I'm Trying Not to Ask, "Why?"

It's strange how you can be so filled with joy and hope one minute and then it can all come crashing down in one tiny little email!!!

We have been so hopeful about this second job interview Paul was supposed to have tomorrow. We thought, "Finally, a glimmer of hope! We won't sink after all." But then, Paul received an email this afternoon informing him his interiew had been cancelled because the position had been filled from within.

I know we prayed specifically for Paul to only get this job if it was God's will. I just don't understand why we were "teased" with this glimmer of hope one minute and then our hope was shot out of the park the next minute.

I know God is in control and He has a plan and will provide, but I'm just so tired of all of this. I'm sick to death of learning lessons (whatever this lesson at the moment may be). We've been learning and learning for years and I'm tired of learning. I need a break from it all!!!!

I've heard it said that God works hard to mold and shape the ones He loves. Well, I guess He really loves us then! I know James 1 says we are supposed to "Consider it all joy when we face trials of many kinds" and I'm trying, but I am so defeated right now. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry.

Of course, this is me in one of my "moments".....I'm sure God will work on my heart tonight and I'll see things more clearly tomorrow and move on with hope as always.

Please keep praying!

It's Been A While

Well, I've just pretty much fallen off of the face of the blog/caringbridge world. Following is a quick update for those of you who are still checking this site:

Since my last update, Paul's doctor was able to determine that the bulge in his stomach is due to the stretching of the stratis (pig tissue). He will just have a bulging tummy for the rest of his life. Considering everything that has happened (and could have happened), we'll take the bulging tummy any day!

Paul has been searching for a full time job and it has been an extremely slow process! He had a phone interview the week before last and he just found out the same company would like to conduct another phone interview between Paul and their technical team this Wednesday. If he does well on this interview, he will move up to a face to face interview. We are praying God's will to be done during this interview process. In the meantime, Paul is studying up on his technical skills!

Please keep Paul and the job search in your prayers!

All Alone?

She walks alone in the dark......searching........crying out for someone to listen, someone to hear her. "Why is no one listening?" she asks, as she continues crying, continues searching....alone in her pain, alone in her darkness.

At some point, she sits down, pulls her legs to her chest, and begins to rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.....still consumed with grief, still overcome with sadness, still feeling so alone. "Please talk to me!" she screams, and yet the only sound she hears is the sound of her crying and the thoughts of despair that race through her brain and cripple her body.

After what seems like days, weeks, months, or even years, she finds herself spent.....unable to cry, unable to wail, unable to think. She sits quietly with her legs pulled to her chest and her head resting on her knees. She asks one more time, "Are you listening? Where are you? Please talk to me!"

This time, instead of continuing to cry (she doesn't have the strength to anymore), instead of letting the thoughts of despair race through her brain (she can't, her mind is spent).....no, this time she asks her questions and then remains still. She sits quietly....listening and waiting, for what she is not sure.

In the quiet, she begins to hear it. A voice! What is it saying? It starts so quietly at first she can barely hear it, barely decipher the words. It seems the more still she becomes, the louder the voice becomes. "What is it saying?" She listens more intently, more aware that someone is speaking to her.

Finally she hears His voice.......the sweetest voice she has ever heard. "I am here," He is saying, "I am here!"

In her relief that He is finally talking to her, she forgets her manners and asks, "Where have you been? I have been searching for you for so long. I have been needing your comfort and your guidance for far too long! What took you so long to finally talk to me?!"

He replies, "I have been here all along. I have been calling your name and saying 'I am here' but you have not heard me. Your cries were so loud, your thoughts so invading, you could not hear my words. You could not feel my arms wrapped around you because you were too busy pacing the room and hugging yourself.......you left no room for Me........you left room only for your own brand of comfort.

"Then why can I hear you now? Why can I feel your warmth and comfort now?" she asked.

"Because you finally stopped and listened. You finally waited for my response! I have been waiting for you to remember, waiting for you to be still and know that I am God" he replied.

After spending time talking to her Savior, she finally settled in for the night. She awoke the next morning and spent more time listening and talking with the One who loves her more than she could ever imagine.

That day, her step seemed lighter, her face beemed brighter, and her life seemed fuller. Troubles came her way, but she now realized that He was always walking beside her, He was always there. There would be nothing too big for Him to handle, of that she was sure. It was all going to be okay, somehow......because her Savior was there.......and He had promised to never leave her or forsake her.

And, when times of hurt, doubt, and pain came her way, she only had to stop and listen to hear the sweetest voice she had ever heard saying, "I've got this....I am here! I will never leave you....I am here!"

Don't wait until you are too spent to do anything but hear God's voice! Stop right now and listen, spend time in His word, be still and know that He is God! Cast all your cares upon Him....then be still and listen..........He will bring you peace!!

Lest I Forget

Sometimes children will say the funniest things. I just had to make a record of what Samantha (my four year old...yep, she turned four on Friday) said to me tonight:

S: "Mommy, I zink I have the chicken pops!"

M: "Why do you think you have the chicken pox?"
S: "Because of the chicken I ate at dinner."

M: "No, you don't have the chicken pox sweetie....you can't get them from food."

S: "But Mommy, I zink I do have the chicken pops! So I can't go to school because I can't go to school with the chicken pops!"

M: "Then where are all of your bumps? You would have bumps all over you if you had the chicken pox."
S: (Searching all over her little body) "Right here!"....she says as she very innocently points at the nipples on her chest.
M: (Betweem laughs) "No sweetie, those are part of your chest, everyone has those.....I don't see any chicken pox bumps on you."

S: "Oh.....well I thought I had some," she says......as she giggles and goes on her way.....

I know I am blessed to have such a sweet and funny little girl! Thank you God for such a wonderful blessing....and for the chicken pox vaccine that protects my little one from getting the "chicken pops"!

Can't Touch This!!!

Do you remember the story in the Bible where Jesus casts the demons from the possessed man into the pigs? As I was reading that story today, one of the verses brought a smile to my face:

Luke 8:32
There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby, and the demons begged him to let them enter into the pigs. So Jesus gave them permission.

"Why did this make you smile?" you may be asking. Well, as I read this, I couldn't help but find joy in the fact that the demons had to ask Jesus' permission (actually beg him) to enter a herd of pigs.

When satan and his demons are in the presence of Jesus, they cannot do anything without asking His permission! They actually tremble because they know Jesus could easily torture them if He chose to.....so they beg for an alternative......not out of respect but out of fear!

Doesn't that make you smile? It does me. I know Jesus is ALWAYS with me because I have Him in my heart. Satan and his demons cannot do a thing to me because my Savior steps in when they are around. Oh, they may try to bring me down, but they will never win! Because I am walking hand in hand with my Maker.....so satan can't touch this!!!

Christian One-Liners

This post is dedicated to one of my newest friends: Faye. I hope these little one liners bring a smile to her face during a difficult time! Please keep Faye in your prayers as she goes for testing tomorrow to find out what the spot is the doctors are seeing on her lung. May God reach down, heal her, and give her peace!

These one-liners were sent to me in an email from my Aunt Rose:

1. Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
2. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited.....Until you try to sit in their pews.
3. Many folks want to serve God.....but only as advisers.
4. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
5. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose.....but mosquitoes come close.
6. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
7. People are funny.....they want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and back of the church.
8. Opportunity may knock once.....but temptation bangs on the front door forever.
9. Quit griping about your church.....If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
10. If a church wants a better pastor.....It only needs to pray for the one it has.
11. God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead.....So why should you?
12. Some minds are like concrete.....thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
13. Peace starts with a smile.
14. I don't know why some people change churches.....what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
15. A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' Are just sitting on the premises.
16. Be ye fishers of men.....You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
17. Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
18. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
19. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
20. Forbidden fruits create many jams.
21. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
22. God grades on the cross, not the curve.
23. God loves everyone.....but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
24. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
25. He who angers you, controls you!
26. If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
27. Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
28. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
29. The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
30. We don't change the message.....the message changes us.
31. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
32. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen.....1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
33. There is no greater treasure than a good friend!
34. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain!

Viewer Discretion Is Advised!

Since my last post was titled Don't Drink and Drive, I really just have felt led to show ya'll exactly what drinking and driving (or even just reckless driving) can do to a precious child....I don't know, maybe someone reading this has been careless and needs to see, truly needs to know, what could happen!

This is my daughter, Samantha. At the time of this picture, she was thirteen months old. She was strapped correctly in her car seat (which also had a five point harness). She had just moved to a forward facing position the week before our car accident because her weight and height were appropriate for forward facing and her legs were so long, she had nowhere to put them when she was rear facing.

And we are thankful we had gotten the new careseat.......the other car (an F350 Dually) would have hit her directly in the head had we not had her forward facing! Even still, she suffered brain and neck injuries from the severe shaking her little body took during this accident.

The other driver walked away unharmed!.......well, he walked away in handcuffs because he refused to take the Breathalyzer test........but he still WALKED away!

But we have an AWESOME God.......He delivered my precious girl from the brinks of death! Don't ever doubt the healing power of prayer to the Almighty God!!!

Matthew 18:20
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Thank you to all who came together in the name of Jesus and prayed my baby girl through this horrible devastation caused by a careless driver.

Please, don't ever take the chance of putting a child through this......the next child may not be as fortunate as mine!!!

A Reminder Not to Drink and Drive

I am reminded once again of how fortunate my family has been, even in the midst of all of our trials. One of my friends at work lost her cousin in a car accident a couple of weeks ago (a car accident caused by a drunk driver "t-boning" her car...sound familiar?)! Her cousin's five year old little boy has a broken pelvis and will be in a wheel chair for quite some time while he awaits healing to his body.

(My husband's pelvis was broken in our accident.....and I am acutely aware of the pain this poor little boy must be going through. And that's just his physical pain, not to mention the pain of losing his mother at an age when a little boy really needs his mommy)!!!

As if all of that wasn't enough for this poor family to be going through (for this poor husband and father to have to handle), it is their daughter's injuries that are hitting my heart the most. This awful car accident caused severe head injuries to this two year old little girl. She lay in the hospital in a coma and on breathing machines while the doctors ran their tests. It took several days for them to come back to the family and inform them that everything above her brain stem was damaged and there was no longer any brain function. So, this poor father, who had just lost his wife and whose son is in for a long battle to be able to walk again, had to make the decision to remove his daughter from life support and let her go.

But the story doesn't end there.

I fully had expected that this precious little girl was now well and sitting at the feet of Jesus, so it was all I could do to hold myself together as my friend told me the rest of her story:

The doctors removed life support on (I believe) Monday, fully expecting a quick passing of this precious little body. What they didn't expect is for this precious little one to continue breathing without the aide of the machines.

At first I got excited when my friend told me this......until she told me the doctors said she will never make it out of a vegetative state because everything but her brain stem is dead.

So, the doctors have sent her home with her family to await her death.....it could be today or it could be years from now. The doctors just don't know. So, this man is now left to take care of his precious baby girl but will never see her smile, never see her light up again, never see HER again.

My heart is breaking at the horror of this story. How awful for your child to be gone and yet, you still have her precious body here breathing......that you will lovingly bath and care for....that will only prolong your longing and anguish...wanting her back and screaming inside because she is gone.

I can't help but think, "This is where we could be today!" God didn't have to heal my daughter's brain, He didn't have to grow new pathways in her brain so she could live a normal life. He didn't have to save her.....but He did!!! I prayed for her to be whole again after our accident, I prayed that God would not allow her body to live without the light of HER inside of it. I prayed He would take her home rather than to allow her to live a "non-existent" life. I would have rather her gone to Heaven than "live" here the way this other little girl is "living" today.

Oh, my heart hurts for this little girl's family!!

I am praying for them with far more understanding, far more knowledge of what they are going through than I care to have. I am also praying for a miracle.....I'd much rather see a miracle for this family. Although the doctors say there is no hope and that this little girl's brain is gone, I know a much bigger God than that!! I KNOW He can heal her brain, if He so chooses. I KNOW He can work a miracle that will leave the doctors dumbfounded. I KNOW He can do the impossible.

He did it for my little girl.........Oh, how I pray He will do it for this little girl too!!! But if that does not fit into His plan, I am praying that God will take this precious little soul into his arms soon, that this family will not have to spend years in limbo caring for what is left of her precious little body, and that this family will somehow find HIS peace.

And I am hugging my little girl and thanking my gracious Father for working His miracle in her life. He didn't have to but I am SO GRATEFUL that He did!

Father, please be with my friend's family today. Lord, reach down and put your hands all in this situation. Hold this precious little girl, Lord. Please, either bring her through this or bring her to your lap and out of this world quickly. Help this family and this father as they deal with such a heart wrenching devastation. Please be with them Lord!!!

Not My Will But Thine

I am probably the only person who has a regular quiet time but does not make notes in her Bible. I have shared this with a few of my friends and they have all looked kind of puzzled by my admission. It's not that I don't think notes are important and it's not that I think anyone else is strange for making notes in his/her Bible.....it's more because I am easily distracted and I know I would spend my whole time focusing on my notes instead of reading the scripture and allowing God to speak to my heart (plus, my Momma always taught me not to write in treasured books....but, since she makes notes in her own Bible, I'm sure that wasn't what she meant).

Anyways, as I was having a little quiet time the other day, I was reading in Mark 14:32-36 (NLT):

They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Had there been notes written along the edges of my Bible about this particular passage, I am almost positive I would have continued on with the same thoughts I previously had regarding this passage. You see, I normally read this passage and think that Jesus is troubled and asking God to "take this cup of suffering away" because He knows how physically painful His death on the cross will be on His human body. However, when I read this passage the other day, a realization hit me like a ton of bricks: "It wasn't the physical pain that was causing Jesus so much distress...........it was MY sin!"

Sometimes, when I think upon the cross, I think of Jesus' physical pain (I automatically think of His human side).........but I tend to overlook what was most painful for Him: coming face to face with all of the sins of the world - mine, yours, past, present....all of them!

Can you imagine? The complete essence of purity, of all that is good and righteous, The Almighty One....covered with the ugly weight of ALL sin?!!! Yes His flesh was beaten and torn and His blood spilled in a gruesome display.........but the pain He felt in His human body was nothing compared to the weight He carried on that cross.

And He knew the burden of my sin before He even felt the first strike upon His back, before the first nail ever entered His hands or feet.....and He was distressed at the thought of it!!! The thought of what was to come, of the ugliness He would have to bear, was enough to make His sweat pour out and enough to make Him ask for God to take this burden away from Him.

And yet, He still asked for the will of The Father and went on to face what He abhorred most....sin!

The skies grew dark and the Heavens cried........as all of sin was revealed in it's shameful darkness.....as the harsh reality of sin touched the amazing, unchangeable, unstoppable, righteousness of THE Almighty!

Victory over death was won through the most amazing act of kindness mankind will ever know......In my imagination, I see Jesus covered with the ugly darkness of sin and then bursting out like a superhero.......the light shining through the cracks in sin's dark covering until all that is left of sin is completely shattered and replaced by the Light!

If the cup you are bearing is causing you distress, just remember the burden Jesus carried for you on the cross and His wise words to the Heavenly Father:

“Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

The cup you are bearing just isn't so big after all!

I'm BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, I cannot believe that I have gone for over a month without blogging. Life has just been spinning around so fast....with work, soccer, church, and facebook.....Honestly, I had to take a break from my blog because I found myself with little time and too much to do. I was standing at a crossroads, "Do I choose to blog, or do I choose to have my quiet time?" Of course, quiet time had to win......trust me, you would NOT want to read this blog if I wasn't spending time with my God!!! Summer is fast approaching though and I hope to have more time to spend with you all out here in bloggy land....I do miss you all! A special thanks to one of my newest bloggy friends (Jensmere) for gently reminding me that there are still people out here waiting for me to let them know how life is going!

So here's a quick update:

1. My husband had a CAT scan and we are waiting on the doctor to get back with us to tell us if he needs more surgery or if he can start looking for a job......of course, we are praying he's "good to go."
2. I have been to the dreaded "female doctor" four times since December. First, I had a golf ball sized growth removed, which came back questionable, requiring me to have to go back in for another pap (I know, TMI). Then I had to go back for a biopsy of the site and back for results. The results: I have pre-cancerous cells but they are surface layer. This means they will not remove everything, they will only freeze it. I am pretty unhappy about this because I feel like leaving it all in there is like walking around with a ticking time bomb. Anyways, I will be having cryosurgery in May.
3. We are really enjoying our new pastor! We are so excited about all of the new things and wonderful improvements that are coming to our church. Things are looking good!!
4. My cousin, you know the one I wrote about here....she is now back in jail. We are praying God will use this time to clean her up and capture her heart! Only God can work this miracle in her life!
5. We are supposed to be having dinner with our attorney and his family tomorrow night. They are still reeling from the death of their daughter, so please pray for God to be in the midst of our visit and that Paul and I will be His light and guidance for them!

Overall, things are going well. I am anxious for the summer days.......I need some rest!! I'm also excited about the summer because I will be writing my book during my summer break. I cannot wait to have it all out of my mind and onto paper!

I'll be updating again soon! I have written quite a few posts in my head so hopefully I will be able to share them with you all soon! I promise I won't wait so long to write again!

For Better or For Worse

My mom sent me an email today that I really enjoyed reading. She said it was an old one that she had read before. I had never seen this story before and I thought it was beautiful so I decided to share it with you:


One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.'

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and
tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him... He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.

As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks.' They really should get lives.' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'

There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before..

He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my
friends. He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of
books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy,you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship..

Kyle was valedictorian of our class.

I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. Thanks,' he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends.... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.'

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable..'

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions..With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

For better or for worse.

God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others and treat them the way God would want you to treat them.

Please Pray for Jonah!!

I read a blog tonight that a new friend of mine referred me too. In this blog I read about a family who had lost their precious baby boy during the thirty seventh week of pregnancy. I rejoiced with them as I read about their new pregnancy and I waited with quiet anticipation as I read about the birth of their newest baby. My heart broke as I read that this precious new little boy they just welcomed into their lives four days ago has a life threatening condition called EB. This condition is very painful and causes blisters all over the body. You can read about this precious little one by clicking here.

My heart has been deeply touched by this family tonight and I hope you will all pray for this precious little boy.......pray for healing to his tiny little body! I know first hand how awesome my God is and I know He can work miracles beyond our wildest imagination.......I am praying tonight for a wonderful miracle for this young family! Please pray for Jonah!!

Breaker Breaker One Nine

If I have learned anything over the last two and half years of struggle, I have learned that there are learning experiences around every corner! I have always "known" that God is molding me and shaping me but I have never truly been as aware of that "molding and shaping" until all of the hardships began. I guess that is why so many things in my life become turned around in my head and I see them as yet "one more learning experience". I am striving to "count it all joy" as is suggested in James 1....some things are just easier to do that with than others!

That is why I am finding my job, working with special needs children, to be such a huge learning experience.......learning how to work with and love these children but also discovering how these children are teaching me to understand other people in my life as I realize how much these children's actions resemble the actions of the average adult in so many ways.

Often times special needs children are non-verbal. A big portion of my day is spent trying to make one child or the other speak (such as ask for help, request a certain item, tell me what is next on the schedule, answer my questions...and the list goes on). Rarely a day goes by that I am not hit, pinched, grabbed, scratched, spit at, or basically "physically abused"......and yet if anything happened to one of these children I would be completely devastated. I love each and everyone of them and I want to and need to see them succeed. It brings me so much joy when I see a break through with one of them and hear words out of their mouths that have not been there before or see soft touches instead of aggressive actions!!

As I thought about one child's aggression today and how the aggression is really just this child trying to communicate that he or she is sad, hurt, confused, or simply doesn't want to do what I have asked, I couldn't help but think about how closely his or her actions are to the average adult's actions:

Sometimes we do hurtful things to others (ex: talk bad about them, undermine them, say mean things to them, blow up at them, point fingers at them, etc.) because the line of communication has been broken. Whether it be because we aren't good at communicating or we just don't feel comfortable communicating with that person, we have a tendency to "act out" and even show signs of aggression at times. Many times we leave other people sad and writhing in pain, while we walk away as if everything is alright in the world, never truly understanding the damage we have caused!

And it is often hard for us to wrap our minds around the idea that our actions are hurtful and can leave lasting scars on another!

Thankfully we have a Teacher who loves us enough to tediously work with us until we get it right! A Teacher who encourages us to communicate with nice words and soft touches.....a Teacher who models for us what the appropriate behavior should be and has patience for us beyond understanding! Although we are stubborn and appear to not understand what we have done wrong, our Teacher continues to diligently work on us (mold us and shape us) until He finally breaks through.....until we finally see the Light!

And at each new gentle touch, each kind word, each act of positive communication, our Teacher rejoices!

But we should also strive to be like our Teacher in His forgiveness.....we should strive to look at those who hurt us through the eyes of our Teacher. Rather than reacting in an unloving way to the unkind "touches" of others, we should react with love and understanding.....knowing that the negative actions of others are often times just their "coping strategies" in a situation in which they feel out of control. If we go out of our way to model "soft touches" with those that hurt us, finding love for them in our hearts becomes easy and natural......we only have to let our Teacher be our guide.

Sometimes speaking those first kind words open up the line of communication....almost like a trucker who picks up his CB and says the words, "Breaker, breaker, one, nine." He usually doesn't have to wait too long to hear another kind voice say, "Go ahead breaker!"

How I Stayed Busy During Paul's Last Hospital Stay

If you have ever stayed day and night with someone at the hospital for a week, you know how long the days can be. After all, the patient is usually "drugged up" and sleeping the day away and there is really only so much TV one can watch in a day without going stir crazy.

That's why I am so thankful my sister-in-law (Diane) came to Texas for Christmas. She had a new hobby (making jewelry) and she showed me how to pick up on this hobby as well. I was so excited to be able to make my own things, I dove right in and made jewelry the whole time I was in the hospital.

Today, I gave my friend a set I had made for her (pictured below):

Full set:

close up of the bracelet

I really am enjoying this new hobby. What do you think?

The Strongest Branch

As I sat in my car this afternoon enjoying the last few minutes of my lunch break (I forgot my lunch so I ran to get lunch and just spent the whole time in the car listening to the radio), I watched a bird flying through the air. I sat and thought about how creative my God is as I watched how beautiful this bird looked as it flapped its wings and flew around the trees, looking for the perfect spot to rest. Finally, after much consideration, the bird decided to land in the very top branches of a large tree.

Because the tree was bare for the winter months, I was able to see this bird perched on the very top branches. A farely strong wind was blowing and moving the branches of all of the trees. I watched, in somewhat amusement, as this bird hung on for dear life as he was blown around like a balloon tied to a string.

I wondered, "Why doesn't he just fly away? Why is he hanging on so tightly to the upper, smaller branches of this tree when there are much stronger branches a little farther down that are strong enough not to be affected much by this wind.....strong enough to let him rest peacefully upon them."

After watching this bird sway to and fro in the wind for approximately ten minutes, I was almost relieved for him when he took flight and landed on a larger, much sturdier branch a little lower on the tree. I wondered if he had held on to the top for so long because he did not think he would feel secure on the lower branch, closer to other animals and people!

I also marvelled at how this bird's action resembled our actions in so many ways.

Sometimes we stay put in what appears to us to be the safest place to be. We wrap our hands around the small things that "keep us at the top" and hang on for dear life, hoping the winds will calm and we will have peace. Only to find later that we have much more peace when we decide to fly away from the top and move down a few notches to a place with a much stronger foundation.

Unfortunately, we don't usually move out of our comfort zone at the top until we have been shaken to our core and no longer have the strength to hang on. Only then do we spread our wings and fly to that unfamiliar place. It is then that God teaches us how much "lowering" ourselves brings Him glory and gives us peace....it is then that we find that solid branch to stand on!

Sometimes God allows us to be "tossed in the wind" for a little while as He waits on us to loosen our grip on the smaller, safer things in life.....as He waits for us to spread our wings and fly as we allow Him to guide us to a place of His design. A place that, at first glance, doesn't seem like it would work out for us but, after struggling in the wind for a while, becomes the most perfect place of peace.......because it was designed for us by the Master!

And I wonder if God doesn't let out a little chuckle (as I did when I watched the bird blowing all around today) as He watches us hang on to such silly things and as He waits patiently for us to let go and "perch" on Him....the biggest, strongest branch of all!

To My Valentine

Today, I had the pleasure of calling you my Valentine for the twenty second time. Somehow spending Valentines Day with you for the twenty second time meant more to me than any other Valentines Day we have spent together.

Perhaps it is because I came so close to losing you just a couple of months ago.....

There is a sweet settling in my heart tonight......a joy over the special love we have shared for so many years! I am so honored to call you my Valentine.......my lover, and my best friend. I pray we will have many more Valentines Days together and that our love will continue to grow and flourish in the years to come.

I am so pleased with the man you have become over the last twenty two years and I find myself more and more enamored with you as you draw closer and closer to our God. I pray God will bless us as we journey through this life together and I pray we will continue to draw closer to God and each other.

You bring a smile to my face and the mere thought of you brings me joy and comfort! You fill my heart with love!

So, my Valentine, as this our twenty second Valentines Day draws to a close, I want you to know: I love you more than words can say and I am so thankful God has placed us together as partners for life......you are my FOREVER Valentine!

Some Things Just Really Hit Home!

The headline read: "Man Accused of Stabbing Prostitute Near East Austin School"

How many times have I read a headline such as this and thought, "Well, what does she expect is going to happen to her....she's out there prostituting herself!" How many times have I seen similar headlines and never given them a second glance?

But what does this news report not tell us about this woman? It does not tell us:

• She lost her father when she was a little girl because a drunk teenager ran over him while he was waiting to cross the street to go to work.
• Even though she was young when her father died, she was still greatly affected by the loss of her father and she asked over and over again when her daddy was going to wake up and when he was going to come back home.
• She was devastated not too long after graduating from high school when her longtime boyfriend / fiance ran off with her best friend.
• She has lost all confidence in herself.
• She has struggled to get herself together, only to fall back into the same deep, dark hole of drug addiction again and again.
• She grew up in a Christian home.
• She has a mother who loves her more than life itself.
• Her mother prays for her without ceasing.
• Her mother's heart is broken over what her beautiful little girl has become.
• She has a large family who loves her and prays for her every day and fears that they will one day soon be attending her funeral.
• The drugs have such a strong hold on her that she sells herself to get the money for them.
• She has a beautiful heart and a sweet smile when she is not using.
• She is loved.
  

It does not tell us that this woman who the news is referring to as a "prostitute" is my baby cousin.....and I love her!

The word "prostitute" holds such a negative, demeaning air. I admit I have looked upon women who have been called this word in the past with a judgemental or uncaring eye. But what should I really be thinking whenever I read a headline about a woman who is called a "prostitute"? It's so easy to have compassion when the sinful woman is one of your relatives. But shouldn't I have this same compassion for a woman I've never met?.........Jesus would!

Luke 7:36-50
Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner." Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher," he said. "Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled." "You have judged correctly," Jesus said. Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?" Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."


All I can do right now is share the truth with my cousin and lift her up to Jesus. Her sins may be great but I know my God is bigger! I pray she will come and pour her tears at the feet of Jesus. She is a precious young woman with a kind heart...she is just extremely messed up and it will take a miracle to cure her from this disease of drug addiction. I ask you all to please remember her in your prayers.........we, her family, know it is going to take a miracle from God for her to be delivered from the path of destruction she is on. We are on our knees, broken and sick with grief and we know only our strong and mighty God can save her!

Carson

During our accident, my then thirteen month old daughter had injuries to her neck that caused her vertebrae to separate and all of the ligaments to be torn away from her spinal cord. She wore a neck brace for about six months before the doctors decided that her neck was not going to heal and they would have to perform major surgery on her neck.

During the surgery, they removed one of Samantha's ribs and used it to fuse the first three vertebrae in her neck to the base of her skull. They also put metal screws and plates into her neck to help "hold it all together". The surgery took the doctor about eight hours....it was a long wait for us!

While we were in the waiting room, many families came and went.....a little boy having a repaired circumcision, a little girl having her tonsils removed, and so on and so on.

However, there was one family in the waiting room almost as long as us. Their son (Carson Leslie) was having surgery to remove a brain tumor, and so began his long journey fighting cancer.....fighting for his life.

About seven or eight months ago, Carson's mother was happy to update their caringbridge site with the news that Carson's scans were clean and there were no signs of cancer. Of course he would be checked frequently until December of 2009, then he would be checked every six months. Things were looking so good!

At the beginning of November, Carson had an MRI that showed some questionable areas (possible tumors) on his spine. He has had several tests since then (such as a testing of his spinal fluid) and none of the tests showed cancer cells. However, the doctors decided to do more testing because the questionable areas had grown.

After more testing, the doctors decided they needed to go in and remove the growths and send them for a biopsy. They performed the surgery today and Carson's mom updated their site this afternoon to let us all know the surgery had gone well and the biopsy results would be forthcoming.

Somehow I knew the news was not going to be good when I received another email tonight telling me that Carson's mother had posted another update to his site. I reluctantly clicked over to his site and immediately started crying as I read the words:

It is with a broken heart we have to tell you that Carson's cancer has returned...Annette

I can only imagine that this news has left Carson's family speechless. Thankfully they believe in the Lord and Carson is a strong young man who has chosen Joshua 1:9 as his verse to help him during this time:

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

My heart aches for this family tonight......and it is just another reminder to me to be thankful for the health of my daughter (and really, for the health of all of my children).

Please join me in lifting Carson (and his family) up to God. I pray they will find peace and healing during this valley! If you would like to read Carson's site and/or leave them encouraging words, you can do so by clicking here. His site requires you to enter your email address before entering, but I promise his family will not hassle you in any way. At the very least, please remember this young man in your prayers!

How Rude!

It was one of those rare nights (about thirteen years ago).....Paul and I dropped our kids off at his parent's house and we went out on a date (yes you silly, they were home). Because of the rarity of this happening, we decided to make it a "big" night...so we ventured out for a dinner show at the Improv.

(Yes, yes, I know.....our tastes have changed a bit in more recent years).

Anyways, true to form, I drank about five or fifty glasses of tea. Hence the reason I desperately needed to answer the call of nature, right in the middle of one of the really good acts (I'm sure all of that laughing did not help hold my bladder either).

So I walked very quickly to the bathroom, rushed past the sinks that lined both walls, straight back to the lone stall in the back. I was barely "mid stream" when another woman came in to the restroom and walked straight over to the sink and began running the water (I assumed she was washing her hands).

It was then that she let out one of the biggest burps I have ever heard!!!!

I sat on the lovely porcelain throne, enclosed in the safety of the restroom cubicle, and thought, "Oh my stars! I KNOW she has to know I'm in here! After all, she had to have heard all of the noise I was making when she just happened to walk in right as all of the tea exited my body!!"

Thankfully, the "rude" lady finished washing her hands and left the restroom.

I exited my cubicle and walked to the sink (the same one the "rude" lady had just used) only to find that it wasn't a sink at all. Instead, what I had seen as a sink in my haste to get to the potty was actually a urinal!

Imagine my horror when I realized I had not just heard a "rude" lady washing her hands rather, I had heard what I am sure was a perfectly normal MAN answering HIS call of nature!!!

I bolted out of the bathroom as fast as I could without even washing my hands (that man obviously didn't wash his either so I figured that was just acceptable men's room manners)!

I ran back to the table, practically hysterical......I was laughing SO hard. Paul took one look at me and, without skipping a beat said, "You just went in the men's restroom didn't you?"

He knows me so well!

And it was months before he let me live that one down. Although I'm sure he'd gladly tell you all about it if the opportunity arose!

The New Blog Title - Hope and a Future

I'm sure by now most of you have noticed that I changed the title of my blog. I cannot really explain why I did this....unless you take into account that I have had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to change it.

The title of my blog is now the title of the book I am writing (which has been put on hold until the summer when I will have more time to focus on it). This title and the scripture it is referring to (Jeremiah 29:11) have a huge meaning to me:

While I was in the car after our accident, I started to feel a bit panicked. I had just looked over at my husband and had seen him leaning forward with blood pouring out of his mouth. I was listening to him making what I refer to as "the death noise".....it sounded as if every last bit of air was gurgling out of his body. I had not looked at my daughter yet, but I had begun to pray for God to help us. "Please God," I prayed, "Please help us."

It was immediately that God began speaking to me. HE brought Jeremiah 29:11 to my mind and immediately began reassuring me that He was in control. I then began talking to my husband, trying to wake him up, and finally got him to at least stop making the "death noise".

It was then that I remembered my thirteen month old daughter was in the back seat behind my husband.

I continued praying, scared to turn my head and look at her. "I know the plans I have for you...," My Lord gently reminded me.....as I turned my head to look at my baby girl.

At first glance, I thought she was dead....but then I saw her stomach moving as she breathed. I asked, "Are you okay Samantha?" and she turned her head my way. Then her body went limp and her breathing ceased.

I began to scream for someone to please help my baby....as I rocked back and forth praying for God to save her......as the breath returned to her precious little body.

In those first initial seconds after the accident, my cries were for God to save my family. I spoke to God with more "reckless abandon" than I had ever spoken to Him in my life. My words to my Father were more deep and heartfelt than any prayer I had ever prayed.....and I heard His words more clearly than I have ever heard them in my life.

As I rocked and prayed to my Father, He spoke to me. "Do you trust me?" He asked, "I know the plans I have for you...."

"Yes Lord, I know you have plans for my husband, but I have no clue what you have planned for my daughter," I replied.

"Don't you think, even if they both leave this earth today, I can make everything alright for you? Do you trust Me?" he asked.

"Yes God, I trust you. I ask you to please save my family if there is any way it fits within your plan, please God, save them if it is your will. And if it's not your will God, please be with me...I don't think I can handle it!"

It was at this point that I began attending to my husband again. It was at this point that I heard the most beautiful words I have ever heard.....not a booming voice, but a still small voice:

"I love you!" God said.

To which I immediately responded, "I know you love me God, but I just can't take this."

Immediately, I felt peace. Not just comforted, but a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that all was going to be just fine. A peace because God said, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11).

Peace because, above all else, I knew I could trust my God. He is the Only One who can promise me hope and a future.

Mighty Hands

The wound doctors inserted Paul's wound vac today. The new wound vac is a little smaller and lighter than the last one and, if I'm not mistaken, a little quieter (which makes me happy because I won't have dreams about big coffee pots percolating in the night).

The reconstructive surgeon called today and told us the culture confirmed Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) or otherwise known as medicine resistant staph. The culture also confirmed the antibiotic Paul was on would not work on this particular infection. So, back to the pharmacist I went today to pick up yet another antibiotic. But hey, as long as it works, I'm fine with that!

Paul seems to be feeling a little better today.....and thankfully he is in much better spirits. It's always nice to see the difference prayer and God's comforting hands can make during difficult times.

So, overall we are doing pretty well today......thanks to the sweet prayers of friends and the Mighty Hands that are holding us up! I shudder to think about life without those Mighty Hands!!!

And So I Wait.......

Paul went to the reconstructive surgeon today. As you know from my previous post, he had a strange drainage coming out of one of his drains. By the time he got to the doctor this morning, the drainage was seeping out of his whole incision area and flowed out when the doc pressed on Paul's stomach.

The surgeon went straight to work and removed some of the staples in Paul's stomach and opened up a portion of his stomach (when I got the news about this earlier today, I thought Paul had said they opened up his WHOLE incision area so I apologize to any of you that I inadvertently gave the wrong information to). Anyways, the surgeon worked hard at cleaning out Paul's abdomen thoroughly (using iodine, saline, and a suction machine).

One the surgeon was finished "cleaning", he packed the open wound full of gauze and sent Paul home with the instruction that a wound vac will be inserted tomorrow.

Yes, you heard me right, a WOUND VAC.....exactly what he had BEFORE the surgery!!!!! The dreaded wound vac that Paul despised so much, that he was so sick of wearing!!! Somehow this feels like a huge step backwards!!!

Paul was sent home for the evening with instructions to come directly to the emergency room if he gets a fever or starts feeling bad at all. Needless to say, Paul was extremely discouraged! To top everything off, the doctor's assistant called Paul to tell us they were having problems getting Paul a wound vac due to the insurance issues right now. I called her back to discuss things with her and asked her if it would be possible to simply pay the first month's fee for the wound vac to give us time to work out the insurance issues....she's checking on that and will let us know tomorrow.

I was also concerned about the thought, "What will happen if Paul has to go to the emergency room? When they realize our insurance was cancelled and we haven't signed up for COBRA yet, will they turn us away?" Most doctor's offices / hospitals don't really care that we just received the paperwork at the end of last week and our attorney is reviewing it before we sign it....they just want to know you have insurance to pay them for their services!!!

Please pray for the infection to heal and for Paul's spirits. Paul was very discouraged tonight. He's concerned about the insurance but he also is very upset that he can't support his family. I told him not to worry about it, that everything would work out somehow. I reassured him that everything is okay and it's not his fault that he can't work right now.

He's still in a fight for his life and it makes me So VERY ANGRY that he is having to deal with the emotion of being terminated from his job and losing his insurance....especially since we were hit with the news out of the blue without any notification!

I kind of feel like jumping up and down and crying like a little baby as I scream, "This is all so unfair."........but I know it won't do any good. So, instead I am praying. Praying for God to intervene.....for God to swoop down and save the day. I'm just so tired of all of the set backs and I'm broken hearted as I watch my husband hurting and feeling discouraged.

The Lord, my God, is faithful......I know this to be true and wait in anxious anticipation for His mighty hands to save us. He's going to do it and in His perfect timing.

And so I wait........

My, What a "Pleasant" Surprise!!

Yesterday, my precious little puppy was outside playing with my two youngest children. He ran along the fence, chasing bugs and even a mouse that had come up out of the creek behind our property. He was having so much fun, I decided to let him stay outside with the kids for about an hour while I was busy taking care of some things for Paul.

Because the water main that comes into our housing addition was broken by a construction company early yesterday morning, I had to do all of my chores for Paul with bottled water yesterday....which made each task just that much more tedious. Hence the reason I decided to sit on the couch for a while when I let my precious little puppy back in from his fun outside.

I was sitting on the couch and had just become enthralled with the show Paul was watching. Peanut (the precious puppy) was lying on the couch beside me and I really was not paying much attention to him....after all, he'd been running around outside and had gotten a little stinky and I was simply too enthralled in the show to pay attention to him.....or maybe I was passed out from exhaustion, but either way I wasn't paying attention to him.

About that time, Samantha came bounding in the back door and ran over to sit with me. Peanut decided it was time to "make a run for it" before the three year old decided to pull on his ears or pick him up. And Samantha was more than happy to hop up on the couch and sit in Peanut's place beside me.

I was a little startled when Samantha said, "Ewww Mommy, what is that?"

"What is what I asked?"...fully expecting to see a booger on her finger or dog poo on the floor.

"That!" she exclaimed and pointed to the couch, right beside where my big fat booty was sitting.

I looked down and then came up off the couch faster than I really thought I could move anymore as I exclaimed, "Ewww!!! Gross!!!!!!!!"

You know when you have four children, you are usually prepared for just about anything gross...but this one took me a little by surprise. Perhaps it was because I was sitting by it on the couch and it was just mere centimeters from wiggling it's way onto me......

"What was it?" You ask....

Why nothing other than a nice, big, fat, long, slimy, wiggly earthworm! That's right folks, Peanut brought me a "pleasant" surprise!

I guess I should be happy....it sure beats the mouse tail he brought to Paul (while playing in the backyard) the week before Paul's surgery!

I wonder, "Do they have dog training that will teach your dog to spit into a bucket before entering the house?"

Untitled Post

This evening, as I was driving to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Paul, I was listening to my radio and thinking about our attorney's family. I was able to visit with them some last night but I was unable to attend Megan's funeral today because Paul had a follow up appointment and I was afraid to reschedule it because two of his drains had a bunch of redness and swelling around them and I was afraid they were infected (thankfully they weren't and all seems well with Paul).

Anyways, as I was driving along, one of the songs we played at Paul's mom's funeral started playing on the radio. Each time I hear this song I tear up.....but tonight, I actually cried. I was thinking of Paul's mom, as I usually do when I hear this song, but I was also thinking of our attorney and his family. I was thinking of how much pain they were in when I visited with them last night and how I wished I could make it all better. Instead, I just hugged them and called upon my God to help them with their pain.....because I know He can do so much more for them than I could ever do! But, even though I cried out to my Lord to comfort them, I still carried their burden with me throughout the day today.

You see, I have this "problem". I tend to take on the pain of everyone around me. If someone is hurting (especially someone I care about), I hurt for them almost as if I were in their same situation. I don't know why I do this but, if I think back through my childhood, I did this even that long ago. Oddly enough, I always thought everyone else had this strong sense of empathy as well, I didn't realize until I was past my twenties that I was unique, strange, whatever you want to call it!

In some ways, this extreme empathy I have is a good thing. It causes me to never write off another's pain as insignificant. But in other ways, this extreme empathy is a problem......because I find myself grieving and hurting quite frequently. I find myself defending the hurting to no end! Perhaps carrying the grief of others would be okay if it were actually relieving some of the burden for them....but other than letting them know I care, I don't know that it does them any good!

Perhaps this extreme empathy wouldn't be so bad if it was only for people I know. But I find myself grieving for people I've never even met. It's very hard for me to watch the news because, all I have to hear is a story about someone dying, a child being kidnapped, a family losing everything, etc. and my heart just goes out to them in pain. I will actually think about these people I have never even met and grieve for them for days, weeks, sometimes even months on end......I know, I'm strange....I just can't seem to help it!

It's even worse when it's someone I know!

I don't know why I have such an "overload of empathy" but I know, even though my empathy is more extreme than the average person's, I don't even have near the empathy that my Lord has. In His great empathy, He died for us!

This is why I know HE is the one who can comfort the hurting better than anyone! Just think about Job, he suffered more than anyone should ever suffer....he lost everything, his family, his home, his health.....and yet he persevered, because he trusted in the Master Comforter.

James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

So, as I mourn along with my attorney and his family, I am lifting them up to my Lord....because I have a deep trust in the Master Comforter and I know, when you call upon Him in your pain, He is there mourning with you, crying with you, hurting with you, understanding you, and loving you beyond anything you could ever imagine. He is the Only One who can bring you comfort and peace.....He is FULL of compassion and mercy!

How could anyone ever make it past the pain of losing someone without that trust in my Savior? What a comfort to know your loved one took flight and is peacefully standing before the One who loves him or her more than even you can imagine!

Before I go, here are the words to the song that made me cry tonight:

Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

Please Pray for My Attorney and His Family!

I have shared with many of you what a wonderful man my attorney is....Paul and I actually consider him a dear friend to us! It is no surprise that Marc and his wife Karen have raised children who are just as wonderful and caring as they are. The way Marc's face lights up when he talks about his children leaves me with no doubt about what a caring father he is!

Because Marc is such a wonderful person, Paul and I are always very happy when we receive a phone call from him. It is not unlike him to call, just to see how we are doing! But tonight, when I answered my phone to an unknown number, I instantly knew from the tone of Marc's voice that something was horribly wrong. It was all I could do to hold back the tears as Marc informed me that his beautiful daughter had passed away very unexpectedly.

Megan Marissa May
November 7, 1985 - December 31, 2008

Megan worked at her father's law firm as a receptionist so Paul and I talked with her on several occasions. She had a beautiful, caring spirit...just like her parents. Paul and I both thought she was an absolutely gorgeous young woman, through and through!!

I ask you all to please lift the May family up in your prayers. They are hurting deeply over the loss of such a precious young lady. I know there is not anything I can do to take away their hurt so I am praying my Heavenly Father will comfort them the way only He can.

Please pray with me now:

Dear God,

I lift up Marc and Karen and the rest of their family to you. Lord, I know you see them hurting right now and I know, because you are such an awesome God, that you are there with them, holding them and crying with them because you do not like to see them in pain. Lord, I ask you to please just gather them up and hold them close.........they need you now more than ever! And please, please, please God, please give them peace! May they take comfort in knowing Megan is now in Your presence....please reveal that to them. Oh Lord, my heart aches for them. You know how wonderful this family has been to mine. Please bless them ten fold for the many wonderful things they have done for us. Bless them for the goodness they have shown to us. Somehow God, please lessen their pain! Lord, the words won't come tonight because I am shocked and grief stricken over Megan's passing, but Lord I trust You know the desperate cries from my heart and from the heart's of all of Megan's loved ones. Hear our cries Father and make Your love and glory known to us!

In Your Most Precious Name I Pray,
AMEN!



I am reminded tonight of one of my older posts. This post is regarding John 11, where Lazarus has died and Mary and Martha are weeping before Jesus over the death of their brother. This is where you will find the shortest passage in the Bible...."Jesus wept".

I honestly believe that Jesus was not weeping over the death of Lazarus......Jesus was fully aware of the glories Lazarus would behold in Heaven so He knew there was no need to weep over his earthly death. Jesus was weeping for Mary and Martha!!! He did not like to see them in pain because he loved them so much!

.....And I know He is weeping with Megan's family tonight too!

Roller Coaster Ride

For those of you who don't read the caringbridge site about my husband, I thought I would let you read what I wrote there tonight:

"Welcome to our roller coaster ride!".....that's what I feel like I should be saying to everyone we come in contact with. This whole journey (since July 19, 2006) has been a series of highs and lows with unexpected turns around unforeseen corners!

I have spent the week in joy, praising God for sparing my husband's life. How could I ever express the wonders of my Lord? There are no words to express my gratitude or to express His greatness........so I stand in awe and fall on my knees in response to His great mercy.

But stinky ole' satan cannot stand this joy. He cannot stand to see me praising my God and telling everyone that my husband survived because my God is so awesome. He despises the interest everyone shows in hearing about God's awesome works! So, satan is trying with all of his might to bring us down..........he does not want us rejoicing, he wants us rolling around hurting in the dirt. I know he was laughing today when the hospital sent us a note to tell us our health insurance told them that our coverage had been cancelled as of December 1st (even though the doctors and the hospital received approval after December 1st).

I immediately went into "what in the world?" mode and began making phone calls to find out what was going on. I called the insurance company and was told, "Yes, your coverage cancelled as of December 1st." I informed them that we had been sending the premium in to my husband's employer every single month (close to $400 a month!!) and I didn't see how they could cancel us. The very nice lady from the insurance company said, "I'm so sorry, I can only go by the information your husband's employer sent to my company."

I immediately hung up the phone and placed a call to the lady at my husband's company that we have been sending the monthly check to (for those of you who don't know, the children's ministry position at church is only a part time position so Paul works another full time job to support our family). The operator told me that the lady I needed to talk to was not available right now, so I was forwarded to her voicemail. I left her a detailed message and asked her to "Please call me back as soon as possible because I had to know what to tell the hospital."

By 4:00pm, I still had not heard back so I called her again. This time, when I was told the lady was not available, I asked to hold until she was available or to be transferred to her supervisor. After holding for quite some time, the lady came to the phone and I was able to tell her what was going on and asked her what we needed to do. She then informed me that Paul is on long term disability and that his position with the company was terminated due to his medical leave! She explained that Paul's position was no longer available to him (nor was any other). So, I asked her, "Is he terminated then?"

Her answer, "Yes, but if another position opens up with the company when he gets well, he's more than welcome to apply for it." Note, she didn't say he'd get the job, just that he could apply for it!!!

I refrained from saying sarcastically, "Well gee, thanks so much!" because I knew this was not this lady's fault...she was only telling me the company procedures.

Although we knew not having a job was a possibility because of the letter we received at the beginning of Paul's disability explaining a job would not be saved for him after six months, it was still shocking to hear it in this way. I had expected to hear it once Paul was well enough to return to work. I guess I kind of thought he would go back in to work and be told he couldn't work there. I guess Paul and I had both hoped that his nine years of service to the same employer would mean something and, by some miracle, they would make sure he had a job.

Unfortunately, I was in Paul's room when I was talking to this lady so he heard it all. He got very upset and I immediately felt horrible for talking to this lady in his room.....I honestly just thought a mistake had been made and they forgot to register that we had been sending in the payments for our insurance or something. I never dreamed I would be told he was terminated...isn't that something employers tell the employee, not the employee's wife?!

Anyways, I proceeded to explain to this lady that we never received any notification that our insurance was going to be cancelled, nor did we ever receive any information on COBRA insurance. I was becoming a little panicked (and to be honest my whole body was shaking because I was so upset...thankfully the lady couldn't see that through the phone). She said someone probably just made an error and forgot to send the information to the COBRA insurance.

My question to her was, "Don't we only have a certain amount of time to get COBRA insurance?" Her answer, "Well, you have thirty days."

I began to freak out as I told her, "The day after tomorrow is thirty days from the day you are saying our coverage cancelled!" I asked her for the phone number to the COBRA insurance so I could call them myself. She said I could call but they probably wouldn't have my information yet because it looked like someone in her company had messed up and not sent the information. I told her, "That's fine, but I'd like to call them anyway."

She somewhat reluctantly gave me the number.....I thanked her and hung up the phone.

I then called the COBRA insurance company and, just as the other lady thought, they did not have any of our information yet. I explained our situation to the COBRA lady and she said the company Paul works for has thirty days to get the information to them and then they would give us a couple of weeks to get things set up. She said coverage should be back dated to the date our other coverage was cancelled. This brought me some relief. Of course, now I feel like I am going to have to call tomorrow, just to make sure Paul's employer sent the paperwork in like they were supposed to.

Needless to say, I am still baffled by all of this. We NEVER received anything telling us our insurance was cancelled and it was cancelled almost a month ago!!!!!

After determining that we will most likely have insurance to cover the surgery (as long as the information gets sent to COBRA by Wednesday) and after going down stairs and praying for a little while, I felt a little better......except for the fact that Paul no longer has a job. You'd think after nine years of working for a company, they would care a little more about the fact that you have been in a fight for your life....but hey, I guess that's just me!

So, I am refusing to let satan have victory on this today!!! I started thinking about Paul's previous surgeries and how he had returned to his job sooner than he should have because of the letters he received stating he wouldn't have a job if he didn't return by such and such date. I started thinking about how those letters were probably in part responsible for the fact that over the past couple of years he never fully healed. I began to rejoice that there will not be anything he has to rush back to.....his only job right now will be to heal.....to finally let his body completely heal before he rushes back to anything.

I started imagining the possibilities of what God has in store for Paul. Some of you know that Paul was scheduled to start seminary the week after our accident and was not able to go due to the accident. His heart's desire is to go to seminary and I am praying that God is paving the way somehow.

I am trusting that God will provide the income we need during this time so that we can stay afloat. We will cash in an investment in January to keep us afloat for now (the $1000 a month I bring home from my job only buys groceries and gas for my family).

And we will pray. We will pray for God's guidance and HIS provision during this time.

Before this surgery, Paul told me, "I'm not going to die. There are too many children left that God intends for me to share the Truth with....God still wants to use me." I truly believe Paul's words were true and I think God is going to do some pretty amazing things through Paul!

I'm excited to find out what it is that God has up His sleeve. You see, right now satan thinks he is getting the victory. He thinks he is going to break us. He doesn't like to see children coming to Christ and, since he cannot directly attack God, he is doing his best to sink one of God's vessels.

Well, I've got news for satan.......WE HAVE GOD'S PROMISE IN Romans 8:28:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

So satan can try to sink this vessel, but he will not succeed. God already has the victory and satan is just on his own roller coaster ride on tracks that are soon to run out and send him crashing back into hell.

I'm just biding my time because I KNOW my God is in control of my roller coaster ride of life!

The name of God be FOREVER praised!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!

Paul is doing great this morning. He is in the process of getting up and into a chair as I type this note. He is having some nausea and indigestion so we are praying the docs get that under control. The last thing the doctor wants him to do is throw up....I know too much information!

They had to put the oxygen back on Paul last night because his oxygen levels were dropping too low while he was sleeping. They said this could be just due to all of the medication he is taking. His pain seems to be a little more managed today, which makes things much better.

One thing to pray for is his heart rate. It has been too fast since last night. He did go back into a normal rate for a while this morning so please pray it will stay that way.

We had a fire alarm last night. It was strange because all of the nurses and technicians were walking around acting as if nothing was going on. I finally asked Paul's nurse if we needed to be concerned and she said, "Not until they announce that we need to be."

A couple of minutes later, a lady's voice announced "Code red 622."

I looked at the nurse (who just happened to still be in our room) and she said that meant there was a fire in one of the patient's rooms. I asked her if we needed to evacuate and she very calmly stated, "No, not unless they tell us to."

So, true to form, the wheels of my brain started turning. I wondered how in the world they would evacuate a hospital that is almost full. During a fire, the elevators don't work so the patients would have to be evacuated via the stairs.

It was then that I began my pondering on how I would get Paul down seven flights of stairs! Some thoughts that came to my mind were: getting him in a wheelchair and carefully wheeling him down all seven flights or making him sit on his bottom and scoot down the way a small child may tackle the stairs (I also thought about just pushing his bed down the stairs and praying for the best).

But, after much consideration, I decided the best option would be for me to try and give him a piggy back ride down the stairs. Of course, for this to happen, I would need lots of adrenaline flowing so that I could find the strength to carry my man down seven flights of stairs. Rest assured, I'd get him down those stairs somehow or die trying!!

I think it is important for you to know how very tired I was when I was contemplating these ideas so that you will understand when I tell you, "I broke out into hysterical laughter at the thought of giving Paul a piggy back ride anywhere, especially down the stairs."

Thankfully, everything was fine and we did not have to evacuate.

I hope you are all having a Merry Christmas today! Being in the hospital on Christmas day has been an eye opening experience. I never realized how many people are in the hospital on this day. It makes me so thankful for all of the Christmas mornings our family has spent at home together.

Of course, I got what I wanted for Christmas, Paul is still here with me...so all is well here!

He's Finally Out of Surgery!

Praise God Paul is finally out of surgery and is doing well!!! The reconstructive surgeon said he did well all the way through the surgery and didn't even have to be given any blood. He could not get the muscles to come all the way together because there was not enough so he put them as tight as he could and filled the gap with stratis (pig tissue). He said he completed his art work by tying it all up with rope! He seemed pleased with the results of the surgery.

The surgeon says this is good news but Paul is not out of the woods yet. There are still numerous complications that could take place so we ask for your continued prayers. We know our God is faithful and will provide healing to Paul.

I am basking in the glory and majesty of my God right now! He is a miracle worker and His love is so amazing! Praise God for His healing hands and His great love for us!

The Lord is SO good!!!

God is Awesome!!!!

The surgeon just came out to talk to us. The first part of the surgery, the removal of the mesh (which was supposed to be the most dangerous part of the surgery) is complete. Everything went very smoothly and much quicker than anticipated. The doctor said it took him about an hour and a half to get through all of the scar tissue just to get to the mesh but, once he got there, things came out much easier than expected. The surgeon says he feels confident there were no perforations and no damage caused by his part of the surgery....he cannot guarantee us one hundred percent that there was no damage, but he feels confident there was not. He also stated that there was absolutely no complications during the first part of the surgery whatsoever!

He showed us pictures of the mesh he removed and Paul's stomach wide open...I know, gross...but if you watch shows like NCIS like I do, you would have found it really cool. The doctor was very pleased with the results.

All of your prayers worked and our God is awesome!!! Now we just have to pray Paul through the rest of the surgery and recovery...but I do feel like the hard part is over!

The second part of the surgery is underway now, which is putting Paul back together. The plastic surgeon initially told us he expects it to take about three to four hours to put things back together. So we are looking at a surgery completion time of about 4pm (if things go as expected) instead of the 11pm time we were initially told.

I just have to say it again, "GOD IS AWESOME!!!!!"

Rejoice in the Small Things!

We arrived at the hospital on time this morning (we had to be here at 5:30am). For those of you who know me, you know what an amazing accomplishment this was for me...but you also won't be surprised to learn that I left my suitcase sitting on my bathroom counter at home! Thankfully my mom noticed it before she left and is bringing it to me!

When they took us back to pre-op at about 5:45am, they took everyone in the waiting room back (about ten different families). As they placed each of the families in their partitioned rooms, they asked us to go to room twelve. We walked around the partitioned rooms trying to figure out which partitioned area was "room twelve". After a couple seconds of searching, the check-in nurse came to us and said, "No, we don't have you in this section, we've put you over here."

And she led us to a room with walls and a door!!! As far as pre-op goes, we got the luxury sweet! I'm sure you all know what a kick Paul got out of his room being nicer than the other patient's. (at this point, we rejoice even in the small things)!

Each of the hospital personnel that entered our room this morning commented that Paul had the best surgeon there is. Another doctor came in to help "finish up the details" and he sat and talked with us for a minute about how wonderful Dr. Scott (the surgeon) is. He said Dr. Scott writes the book on how these types of procedures are performed for every doctor in the metroplex. He said he is the doctor who teaches them all how to be good surgeons. That was comforting news.

Everyone we saw during pre-op was absolutely wonderful to us....which was comforting. They took Paul down for surgery at around 7:30am (just a little behind schedule). He was in good spirits and told me he'd see me in a little while.

And, a special note to Genie from Paul this morning: "I'm looking forward to sliding down the stair railing on that cruise ship!!"

For those of you coming to the hospital today, the surgery waiting room is on the second floor. There are on screen updates in the waiting room so, if you get here and I've stepped out for a minute, his number on the screen is 64855.

Please continue to be in prayer for Paul throughout the day today. God is good and He is with us!

Are You Questioning Me?

On Friday, Paul went to his pre-op appointment in preparation for his surgery, which will be performed at Zale Lipshy on Tuesday, December 23rd at 7:00am. He said the hospital seemed very nice and he feels confident in the care he will be provided there.

Today at church, our church family had a prayer time during each service where anyone who felt led could come forward and pray with Paul and I. It was such a beautiful experience...to have so many people praying with us. I could not help but cry at the love that was expressed to us and at the beauty of seeing so many gathered together in Christ's name.

Matthew 18:19-20
“I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”

If there was one thing that was apparent to me this morning, it was that God was there among us! Our prayers for complete healing for Paul were heard and I am confident that God will provide that healing according to His plan.....whether Paul be healed here on earth or in Heaven...he will be healed by the Master Healer.

The one thing I have struggled with over the past couple of months is the "not knowing". My desire is for Paul to stay here with me.....and I have prayed accordingly: "Father, if it fits anywhere in your plan, please, please, please allow Paul to be healed and here with me on earth." I know God is here, I know nothing will happen without passing through His very capable hands.....I just don't know if what I desire right now (Paul to be here with me) are the plans God has for Paul's life. And so I have fretted over the "what ifs".

But, what has become so clear to me is that Paul is God's....not mine. God has been kind enough to let me borrow Paul for a while, kind enough to allow me the joy of sharing life with such a wonderful and amusing person.......one of His most treasured creations! Who am I to tell God what is right or what is wrong for His creation? Who am I to even think my desires are more important than God's plans? God...the One who is all knowing, the one who loves Paul beyond even what I can fathom...the one who could heal Paul's body with just a whisper of His voice. Who am I to think I have claim on this wonderful man He has created?

So, just as I did with ouer daughter while she was in the hospital after the accident (when the doctors did not know if she was going to make it) so am I also doing with my husband: "Paul's yours God and I release him into Your care. May Your will be done and your name be praised through out this entire ordeal. I love you Lord and I trust you!"

Paul is being cared for by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords........my caring for him pales in comparison! How could I ever question that?!!